ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
