she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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