i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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