I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize