the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
