I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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