i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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