mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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