If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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