Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
