we're chasing vodka with high fives
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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