hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
