my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
