so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
