I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
