im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
