i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
