I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
