I wish I could teleport
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
