Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
