When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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