I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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