I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
