I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
