so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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