Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
