Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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