Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
