I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
