I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
