Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
