two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize