Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
