Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I touched a dick in church today
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
