I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
