Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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