If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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