weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I want her autograph on my taint
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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