He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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