woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
