were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
