the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
