you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
