I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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