apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
