i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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