i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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