Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
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