He uses pillows to masturbate.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
