just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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