this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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