I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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