I'm laying in your front yard are you home
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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