worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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