so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
