He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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