I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
