Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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