Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
