I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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