the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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