i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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