her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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