he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
